A Shattered Heart
by DemonicLemon
Summary: A series of choices leaves Edward questioning his own life
1. Chapter 1: A Turn of Events

Edward squatted down and pushed out his cobra crossbred with a sword out of the scabbard in his lower intestine. The rage he felt seeing Bella forced to eat the delinquents of the cookie planet warped the metal around him.

"Hang in there, Bella! You'll be scheduled for liposuction soon!"

Bella looked at Edward, drowsy and comforted.

"You will not remove my rule of this world, for only I am the one true queen."

Bella's obese sausage fingers gripped a squid person, and squeezed him until his head exploded.

"You are no longer my wife..." gasped Edward weakly, "I must put you down in honor of the bond I made."

Edward swung his coblade, the castle buckled and cracked. Eddie then ran towards the fat blob that used to be his wife, and he thrust the sword into her abdomen. He released the souls of the delinquent cookians and shattered the soul that once inhabited that body.

Bella let a horrid screech loose as she died. The windows shattered and the lenses in Edward's eyes cracked, permanently giving a fracture throughout all of Edward's vision. Edward pushed himself off the ground and lifted up a cowboy hat that doubled as Bella's crown, but which also held her soul. Edward now holds power over the squid people of Beya Prime.

Edward knew this power was too much for even him to handle, so he thrust his sword in the ground, and grabbed one of Bella's fingers. He took a bite, and already felt the weight shift to his thighs and a bulge in his gut.

Edward bent over and spread his gluteus maximuses. He grabbed his sword passed a gas cloud so enormous that Beya Prime became a gas giant, and the force of the blast launched Edward into space, drifting from one Solar System to another. Edward shed a tear knowing the squid people of Beya Prime are no longer able to survive on their world for more than a few seconds.


	2. Chapter 2: And Old Friend

Edward fell face first into the urinal. Upon realizing he won't be as awesome as half of his idols, he downed his sorrows in pig blood and heroin in the standing toilet. Eventually Edward pulled the courage to leave.

Outside, Jacob Black was standing, but this wasn't just Jacob. He had merged with Renesemee for the soul purpose of becoming the most powerful being in the world. And it worked.

"Why do you cry, Brother Edward?" asked Jacosemee.

"None of your business!" hissed Edward.

Edward whipped out his snakesword and swung it violently at Renecob. The fires that burned inside Edward glowed a hot blue as his sword destroyed most of the building. Edward then ran up to Jenesemee to deliver a vampire kick. When the kick connected, a shockwave collapsed the air between Edward's foot and Jacomee's stomach into solid gold.

"You are as weak as ever, Brother Edward," Whispered Rocab.

Resecob grabbed Edward by the neck and flipped him over. Jesob thrust his fist into Edward's anus and dug deep. When he pulled out, he brought a rooster-shaped crystal that was the source of Edward's power.

"You won't be needing this anymore."

Edward still had his resolve. Edward found a broken beer bottle near the dumpster, and he picked it up. Edward then stabbed Jacsemee square in the dong, and pulled upwards.

Recobsemee then screeched and threw up blood. Edward then flipped over the monster and rammed the broken bottle up it's ass and pulled upwards.

It was then Eddie pulled out the innards of the monster and wore the skin as a battle suit. The skinned revenant of Jacosemeb was still alive, but without the source of it's power, Edward killed it. Edward then picked up his ass crystal and shoved it deep inside his now enormous phallus for twice the power.


	3. Chapter 3: Newfound Strength

Edward pulled out the hammer and lifted up his blender. He shattered the glass of the blender with the hammer and plugged it into the corpse of his dog. He set the blender to the 15th setting and aimed it at the sky.

Edward unzipped his pants and unbuttoned his shirt. He threw his clothing onto the spinning blades, eradicating all existence of the clothing. This opened a portal into the netherworld. There was a special leather in this land that will increase the cutting power of his Coblade, as he now realizes his love for the cobra-sword. He dipped his sword into the ashes of the netherworld and when he pulled it out, it glowed white with strength. Edward giggled and found himself losing control.

Edward then sat on the spinning blades of the blender, shutting off the power to the netherworld and enjoying his new weapon. He gagged himself with his new powerful sword and used this nirvana to think of a new way to help him. He grabbed jumper-cables and waited.

Alice Cullen was walking into Edward's room. She was in a full body BDSM outfit.

"Edward!" she screamed, "Do the god-damn dishes you piece of shit!"

"Later, I gotta, I gotta, oh god I'm gonna... OOOOOOOH!" Edward's hips exploded and the ecstasy flowed quickly through his veins.

"Fine you son of a bitch!" Alice broke through the window of the room since the door was replaced with a window.

Edward threw the jumper cables at his sister. They clamped right on her enormous jugs. She turned to ash from the strength of fifty thunderbolts.

Edward thought about cheese.


End file.
